tinpra

12:30 - :56 8/15/11 covering the phones, bored with a side of fading obsession

Where are you now
now that I'm gone
Do we exist only in dreams
in lines written on pages
Figures brushed on canvas
--we could be one of those
Could have been
could have been

You were long gone
before we ever learned to dance
and I've forgotten how to turn on
the lights in the hallways of
my heart

Forgotten the shape of your nose
the dents in your skull
Your eyes that were always binding
pulling me in every time I thought
this was it, I won't do this anymore
The crooked teeth of a perfect smile
were every secret treasure and whispered goal

Where have I gone
now that you're gone
Did we exist only in fevers
in dreams imagined on hidden stairwells
tall tales told to the people in my head
Were we lines made with brushes and canvas
or figures calculated on a page?

home but discontent, 11/18/10 after 6pm

I want something so badly
To be lost in the midst of song, perhaps
Transported out of a careworn, tired body
Beyond a mind always going, drunk on info-streams

I want to be lost in a cavern of sound
Here but really gone
An aural wasteland between my ears
Someplace to be lost [to the world]
And to find [myself]

I want to feel
To feel and feel and feel
Joy, ecstatic joy
Triumph
Or furious glee
I want to stomp my head and rock my feet
(I'm not sure I mean it the other way)

But what song could do it for me?
What person or what thing? what drug or what drink? before setting me down gently or abruptly?
Kindly or cruelly throwing me off a cliff?


What I was looking for last night, 11/19/10,6:40pm

When I remember that it's not about me
That it's all about You,
Jesus,
I find the answer to my wanderlust
And that wherever I go--or don't--
I'm satisfied when my soul is kneeling at your feet

( and the other two, both short... )

2/19/11 6:25 pm, still thinking of that thing you wrote and wondering if you misspelled my name

If you’d asked
I would have stayed

If you’d said something
I would have been there
I could have been yours
it was all that I wanted

I don’t touch just anyone you know
I reserve my skin for those I love
because it’s through them that I prove to myself
again and again
that I’m real
I’m worthy
still a weirdo, but beloved for my strangeness

I don’t connect with just anyone you know
I only bond where I want it reciprocated
I only anchor myself to those who can weigh me down
and leave me free to soar
tethered to the ground( Read more... )

I loved you before loving you was cool
but you failed me, betrayed me;
tell me who's the fool.

4/25/10, been working on this since Sunday school

When I am down in the oubliette
surrounded by death
oh Lord, whatever you may do
please don't release the thread
that keeps me looking up at you

---

4/29/10, crossing the street on the home

I'm always kissing you in my dreams
but why in my dreams
do I always kiss you first?

You ask me why I do this
when there's no ultimate purpose
The words are my own
bu the worlds, someone else's

And I backed down
I tripped
became defensive

But with myself now my Self again
I find it in me to say with indignance
I do it for my own pleasure
because exploration is my goal
and my words their own treasure
Glory and fame and my name on every lip is not how I measure worth
I did it before the recognition


I dunno if I like the last line....

Gray though the day
and raining and drear
Though I've had all kinds of spills
disgusts and silly trials
Though no one is here
and it's quiet and slow
Though I should be sleepy
though I should be dragging
though I should be dreading
and counting hours
and frustrated by future-time stretching out
and out
and out before me
I'm full of joy
full of peace
full of anticipation and excitement

There's nothing new to do
I'm writing up the bleak things I have before me to do
but they're just things to do
not things to be

The weekend stretches before me
company and good food
Maybe conversation
maybe frustration
But I'm looking forward to joy
I'm looking forward to more
to 'morrow
The week is past
I'm putting it behind
I'm looking ahead
even if it never comes
I'm living I'm reaching for what is
and turning my face from what was

some of these may have appeared in my lj and around.

( Read more... )

My skin is hungry
How can I know I'm real
if no one will touch me?

It's weird seeing my f'list live on while I'm in internet limbo. Henh.

---

3 days of writing

The place where I'm not
is right here
where I've always been

You wound me with your forgetfulness
I have to let it go
I may be hurt
but you don't know

No, I'm not really hurt
I just think I am
The wound more familiar
than the scar

-----------------------------

Thursday Feels Friday

There's a giddiness filling my soul
A restless wonder
and a dance inside my skin
I want to lift my hands
My hips want to move
I'm holding it all inside
with the constraints of propriety
and looking weird
being childish for no reason
when I seem like a child already

But I could dance!
I could sing!
If I could do cartwheels, I would cartwheel
What magic is this under my skin?
What tamed joy sits on my heart?
Can they see it on my face?
I think I'm holding it in better than I usually do
It's tamer than it usually is
But I think if I let it go
I could spark a fire that would burn