It's the Opinion Please? redux

[tinpra]

remember my last post when I asked for help making a sentence work? I got two very good (and surprisingly similar) options for fixing my horrible sentence from moony_blues and shaxberd

Below is what I actually ended up with.

“But there still has to be some kind of balance. We kill to survive, yes, but we do it so casually. We can be cruel and petty and capricious. And we can live ever so much longer than you can. So when we die—balance has to be reached. If oblivion were an option, oblivion would be kind."

Basically I dropped the line in question all together and re-ordered the last sentence. Should I go back? It would look something like this:

“But there still has to be some kind of balance. We kill to survive, yes, but we do it so casually. We can be cruel and petty and capricious. And we can live ever so much longer than you can. So when we die—balance has to be reached. For we who have no souls, no life in ourselves, oblivion would be kind - if oblivion were an option."

Comments

[klcthebookworm.livejournal.com]

At this point, how does the character speak? Does he or she wax poetic every time the mouth opens? Or are they more prosaic?

[tinpra.livejournal.com]

This is a late-excerpt of the novel that you already have the 1st chapter of. Sometimes she's poetic, altho I've also heard her described as very youthful and fast-talking. Which doesn't relate to your question at all, does it? But, no, she doesn't wax poetic every time she speaks. I think.

[klcthebookworm.livejournal.com]

The goal of all dialogue (though sometimes can't be achieved) is that without any speaker attributes the reader can identify the character.

Ah, here's what I want: FanFiction Garret: Writing Tutorial #7: Revealing Character. Focus on "the action of speaking" section so I don't have to retype it. Both versions convey the same information; you need to settle on which one is better for the character.

Haven't got through the chapter yet, *raspberry at this week.* It'll be coming with me when I have to pick up my mother at the airport.

[tinpra.livejournal.com]

I actually am, and have been since I got more than halfway through the series , very concerned with keeping a very steady hand on the narrator's voice. I've been concerned that her voice shifts/shifted with my mood, or depending on how awake I was when I was writing.

Something to ponder and ponder hard. Thanks!

[lieueitak.livejournal.com]

I thought I responded to this the first time you posted about it, but apparently, I only did that in my head. :S

I actually like the second option you have here more. I like the "for we who have no souls" bit - at least in this excerpt, because it's more revealing. I also like the "oblivion would be kind - if oblivion were an option." I think that ordering gives the entire sentence more weight. I could be alone in that though. *shrugs*

[tinpra.livejournal.com]

I thought I responded to this the first time you posted about it, but apparently, I only did that in my head.
I've done that plenty. I'm in the middle of rectifying that in a particular instance, actually.

I actually like the second option you have here more.
In context, the narrator has already gone on for a few paras about vampires not being animated by souls (the soul has moved on) but rather by some inexplicable parasite. Which is why I felt comfortable dropping the whole sentence. Altho I sent that whole section to moony and in her revision she kept the sentence in (it's her fix that I'm using in the 2nd option), so it looks like there's something there.

[erinm-4600.livejournal.com]

It's purty.....

The Punctuation Nazi in me, of course, is focused on this part:

So when we die—balance has to be reached.

Now, you have to remember that this is just my opinion on it:

So, when we die, a balance has to be reached.

[tinpra.livejournal.com]

No no...all comments are welcome. I admit that was sticking out at me as well, altho admittedly b/c of the dash in the oblivion sentence. I notice that once I start using dashes I tend to use them a lot.

It's something else to ponder. Thanks, Erin!

[erinm-4600.livejournal.com]

I'm never sure with dashes, honestly.. and the rules have changed in 15 years... but the second one didn't throw me like the first. ;)