It's the Opinion Please? redux
Jan. 22nd, 2010 12:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tinpraremember my last post when I asked for help making a sentence work? I got two very good (and surprisingly similar) options for fixing my horrible sentence from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
moony_blues and shaxberd
Below is what I actually ended up with.
“But there still has to be some kind of balance. We kill to survive, yes, but we do it so casually. We can be cruel and petty and capricious. And we can live ever so much longer than you can. So when we die—balance has to be reached. If oblivion were an option, oblivion would be kind."
Basically I dropped the line in question all together and re-ordered the last sentence. Should I go back? It would look something like this:
“But there still has to be some kind of balance. We kill to survive, yes, but we do it so casually. We can be cruel and petty and capricious. And we can live ever so much longer than you can. So when we die—balance has to be reached. For we who have no souls, no life in ourselves, oblivion would be kind - if oblivion were an option."
moony_blues and shaxberdBelow is what I actually ended up with.
“But there still has to be some kind of balance. We kill to survive, yes, but we do it so casually. We can be cruel and petty and capricious. And we can live ever so much longer than you can. So when we die—balance has to be reached. If oblivion were an option, oblivion would be kind."
Basically I dropped the line in question all together and re-ordered the last sentence. Should I go back? It would look something like this:
“But there still has to be some kind of balance. We kill to survive, yes, but we do it so casually. We can be cruel and petty and capricious. And we can live ever so much longer than you can. So when we die—balance has to be reached. For we who have no souls, no life in ourselves, oblivion would be kind - if oblivion were an option."