opinion pls!

[tinpra]

So I wrote a poem after a mini-revelation on the road, only to have an artistic moment and try writing it as a haiku. Of course now I don't know which is better. Opinions please! Which do you think works better?


I remember when
You were my pet
Now you're a man
When did that happen?

-----------------------

I remember when
You were mine,
Pet. Now you're a man. When did that happen?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Comments

[klcthebookworm.livejournal.com]

I like the first two lines of the second poem and the last two lines of the first.

I remember when
You were mine,
Pet. Now you're a man
When did that happen?

Poetry really isn't my forte, so take all suggestions with a salt lick.

[wrenel.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Not sure. They both sorta work, but it's not quite there yet. I think there might need to be a story about the "how," so maybe this "when?" is the hook into it. It's intriguing.